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020506 -
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Procrastination is like masturbation.
You're only fucking yourself.
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One night this guy was waiting in line to get in the movies.
The guy behind him was pushing and shoving up against him. Several times he
told the guy to get lost, each time a little less politely.
Finally he turned around and said, "Look, buddy, if you don't stop
pushing me, I'm going to shove my umbrella straight up your ass!"
The other guy said, "Oh, yeth, pleathe, and then open it thlowly!"
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Luigi: "Father, I wanna an annulment."
Priest: "Why, Luigi? You justa gota married yesterday."
Luigi: "I tink I married my sister."
Priest: "No, no Luigi. I know you an your wife alla your lives, and
there is no relation. Whata make-a you tink she's your sister?"
Luigi: "Last night we undress for bed she look at me say "Oh, brother!"
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Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
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A woman walked up to the bar and ordered a Guinness. As soon as she
had taken her first sip of the heavenly nectar she was distressed to
see a drunken, unkempt man sit down next to her.
"Say, honey-baby...I'd really like t'get into those pants o'yours."
Looking nonchalantly over her shoulder at him, she replied,
"Thanks, but I've already got an ass-hole in there."
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Did you hear about the blonde who went out and bought herself another
radio because she didn't like the songs being played on her current one.
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What do you call it when a blonde drives down the street with her head
out the window?
Refueling.
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One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The
kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck.
There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.
As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on
the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the
table, and a small pile of sand by the back door.
The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and
a lamp had been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He
was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had
happened to her.
He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading
a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?".
She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home
from work and ask me what I did today?".
"Yes.", was his reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!".